Regrets : 2544 words, Gen. Curufin, in the Halls of Mandos, does his homework.
Five pages of regrets, written in a language no-one knows. I’ll parcel them up and give them to the Maiar of Mandos. Who knows? Perhaps I will have bought a little of my father’s time, which like his Silmarils is stolen from him and held by others who have no right to claim it.
Comments
I can't say that I like to read about Curufin - if the character is captured well (as yours) it's like having a conversation with a very unpleasant person :D But the idea of Khuzdul have made me giggle - that's exactly what Curufin would do, yeah!
And I must tell, I didn't notice nothing "unelvish" in your language there. I didn't check it specifically, just notice it days after I've read it. Well, Curufin wasn't drinkikg coffee; but maybe the matter is that he's so individual, so unice, that his personality outweight any "elvishness\unelvishness".
There is no dialogue in 'Regrets', so I wonder if that is what makes the difference in the language feeling 'elvish'? I think my dialogue tends to be more colloquial, and I tend to use contractions, which perhaps read as a little more modern : 'I'll' rather than 'I will'.
I may experiment with avoiding them, and see what that does...
I somehow think "I will"/"I'll" is not what works for me... But maybe some other contractions?